Who holds your Happiness ransom?

I recently found out something so true about Happiness.  Usually when people post stuff onFacebook about some quotes and some sayings about happiness, we keep liking when agree to what is said. 

One of my dearest friend put this quote on her status "The person who makes you the happiest is usually the same person who is capable of hurting you the most."  I would have agreed to it had I not found out the hard way.

No one can make you happy or sad.  Only you can be the reason for your own happiness.  I recently met a priest who spoke to me for a long time about why people are happy or sad and then he added. You see you are trying to desperately fit into someone else's frame.  If you do not accept who you are and are not comfortable with that reality, anyone can hold your happiness ransom!  Let go..let people think what they want to.  They are not you and no one can live your life for you.

Bloody Hell!  He was 100% right.  My every waking moment was spent in how to keep everyone around me happy, even if that meant shutting up and bursting inside and wanting to explain etc.etc. etc.

Really, the day I heard this, my entire focus changed.  I realised with a renewed vision. I have to just be myself and love myself.  People are ranting and hurting and shouting and calling names because they want so desperately to change things about themselves which they cannot so they get into a control mode!  Like they do when they sit in front of a television.  It is all in the mind you see,  The mind is like a sponge, it absorbs everything that passes its senses.  It grabs and holds on to it, cause its our survival instinct to learn from external stimuli.  It is hard to train a hardwired brain into learn to cope and deal with stressors differently.  And mostly the stressors are those very people who you hold very close and whose opinion matters.  

While on this high, I saw people with a new light.  I felt an interior calm that helped me be unruffled even when the harshest words were thrown at me.  I simply smiled and thought "Wow!  someone is so not every right with themselves! Hence the volcano" and actually braved a smile, which angered the opposite person even more.

 Earlier I was a part of the feeling.  One with my stressor.  Whatever my stressor said or did was the opinion I subscribed too and felt involved with.  It is time to put a brake on this.

You are a different alive person, separate from everyone else and you have your space, your individuality.  People around you should know you for your individuality and what makes you different from others.  Whether they want to accept it or not is not your problem.  Because God did not create everyone alike.  And he has not asked you to abandon who you are.  He loves you because of who u are, faults and virtues included!

It's funny when you think about it.  But this cannot be achieved with the support of a friend or counsellor who can help you unload and make you see things from a renewed perspective.

It is these moments in life when you really need someone to accept you and pull you out without making judgements or advising you about what to do and what not to.  Just to listen! 

You know you've tried it all and somehow the experience has built a reserve of emotions just waiting to burst at the slightest tremor.

Thanks to my Lord, my moment came..a God sent moment, when I bowed my head in prayer and took the firm resolve that I will not let anyone ever hold my happiness ransom! Ever!

I hope and pray you find your moment too!  You will know when has arrived! Cheers!

Someone who shares the exact same mantra in life

I had been through a tough time recently, really really tough.  I thought I was facing a mountain and the tears in my eyes did not allow me to see beyond the mountain standing in my way.

Whatever I turned to did not help.  Then I met a saviour friend who told me to believe in myself and not to let anyone's judgement of me affect my functioning.  She reposed her faith in me and said "I believe in you, and I need you to believe in yourself".  But the saving grace as usual was my Jesus...who stretched out his hand and said "Come let's walk one day at a time". 

Tough the road seemed, putting behind me the various situations I think of the times I made a fool of myself and many stupid mistakes I made and the risk I took on unchartered territory, baring all and seeming like the misery would never end and not knowing what to do.  I dug deep and forged my road focusing on the ultimate goal in mind. I wrote down each experience in the book of life as a lesson learn't forever.  Guard up, chin up and faking a brave smile.  I had to win this time!

My post today is about how satisfying and rewarding it can be when someone from a renowned field of psychiatry can describe the very same ways in which I struggled to find myself.  It is uncanny to find her writing and read the words that occurred to you and that have been the stronghold on which you base your life. Ms. Kavetha Sundaramoorthy has written the below post and hence I quote her here.   The best points Point 6 and 7 are the ones that have really really helped me find my inner self because one needs during those moments in life to be patient with yourself and tell yourself that it really doesn't matter anymore what anyone thinks.  Having made mistakes is one way to make sure that you have tested your waters.  I would rather be humble make mistakes and stay grounded that I am human enough, rather than fall down and deep with an oversized ego.

Dare to Live: 10 Unconventional Ways to Be True to Yourself

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E.Cummings

Have you ever had a clear sign of who you really are, and then totally ignored it?Maybe it required too much change, or taking a big risk. Maybe you were scared to have to convince a loved one how much you needed this.And so you rationalized that “it wasn’t the right time.”Convinced yourself to “be sensible and put it off for a while.”I know how this feels, because I did it too.

I was 21 then, and in my third year of medical school. We were in one of our first psychiatry classes and the professor was demonstrating to us a patient with conversion disorder.

I was hooked. In no other class had I been so completely absorbed. I fell in love with a big thud, reading everything I could on neuroscience and the brain.

Although exhilarating, in my mind, this was also a disaster.

You see, my dad was (and still is) a prominent eye surgeon who owned several hospitals and had been waiting to hand over his empire to me. My falling in love with psychiatry wasn’t part of this plan.

I was raised in a culture where kids obeyed their parents. No questions asked. Even more so if you are the first born; added points if you were female. Unluckily, I was both. And so I ignored the sign and buried my desires.

Then, tragedy hit and my mother unexpectedly died. And just like that, life was turned topsy turvy.

That’s when I realized that planning to fulfill obligations first, and then chase dreams, is an illusion. Even the heady immortality of youth is sobered by meeting death up so close. I developed this urgent, almost desperate need to be fully alive and true to myself in the time I had left on this earth.

It has been more than 10 years now since I took the plunge. I have become a board certified psychiatrist in the U.S, my siblings have grown and my dad and I have made up.

But I would not have changed this journey, difficult as it was in some ways, even if I had the chance. Because it taught me, through trial and lots of errors, how to become real.

Everyone’s journey is unique. And so this is in no way a generic prescription. These things happened to work for me and I share them with the hope that some may help you in your travels as well.

1. Cherish those special friendships.

I had (and still have) friends who knew and loved me unconditionally. This is truly invaluable. Make and keep good friends and be honest with them. They can be your moral compass during stormy times. Not just psychologically, but literally, like in share-her-last-sandwich-while-reading-poetry-on-long-afternoons kind of support.

2. Don’t hate those who stumble; we all do sometimes.

It would have been so easy, and actually it was, to hate my dad for a while. But as time passed, I was able to see his side too. This guy was so poor while growing up that he had only one meal a day and wore torn rags to school.

He had to sneak to elementary classes from his day job herding sheep. From there, he had risen to be one of the top surgeons in the country and built an empire. Me rejecting it felt personal, like I was rejecting him.

We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. If you can, forgive and allow compassion into your relationships. It makes the ride more beautiful.

3. Take responsibility for your own life.

This is the beginning of self-esteem. Although stuff happens, ultimately you are responsible for your actions.

When we deeply and utterly understand that to be true, life takes on a whole new meaning. Whatever has happened until the past moment is gone. This present moment is again yours. And you have the power to do whatever you want with it.

4. Have a big vision and keep your goals aligned with your vision.

I struggled with this one for a while. First, I had no big vision. In fact, I didn’t even know what that meant. So my goals and actions went in circles for a while.

Make sure to know what kind of person you want to be and what kind of job/life you would like to lead. Then shape your short-term goals so it is moving you in that direction (or at least not away from it).

5. Remember that death makes life real.

In the words of Steve Jobs, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Death can come at any moment, to any of us. We don’t have forever to be who we are. In fact, we owe it to ourselves and those we love to be truly alive and authentic in each moment. It is the only legacy we can be proud to leave behind.

6. Don’t worry too much about making mistakes.

It is better to have tried and failed than to not have tried at all. Think and analyze your decisions carefully, but once you feel reasonably sure you have made a good choice, just trust yourself. Be bold and go forth into the wilderness.

Whatever happens, you will have gained an experience from it that only the courageous can boast of.

7. Know your strengths.

You are unique. There is only one you in this entire universe. No one has exactly your strange and magical mix of genes and experience. Learn what makes you tick. And keep building on that. You will make wonderful things happen.

8. Be kind to yourself.

We all mess up once in a while. When it happens and you finally catch on, drop your ego, admit your mistake fully, and make amends. Learn from it so you don’t repeat that same lesson again. Then forgive yourself and move on. Life is hard and we are not made to be perfect.

9. Be in the moment.

This present moment is alive and full of potential. Learning to be mindful has helped me tremendously by keeping me in my life, as it happens.

Whether you are playing, sleeping, working, lazing, watching TV, or hanging out with someone you love, give your awareness to it 100%. I highly recommend a daily mindfulness practice. It has changed the way I relate to life.

10. Don’t forget to laugh.

It has gotten me through many a sticky situation. And created hours of pure fun. Include as much good humor in your day as legally possible. And that’s a doctor’s order. :)

So dear readers and future friends, don’t wait to be who you are. You are special and there is a reason you are on this earth. No matter what your situation is, there is something you can do today to move toward your true self.

Dare to live; your dreams are counting on you.

The best 30 mins of my life

The best 30 mins of my life came on a day while at a meeting with a senior Vice President for an one on one discussion about Management Approachability.  The takeaway from this meeting has been so profound on me, hence I am writing these thoughts down.  Profound, because it dawned on me, if someone had taught me this mantra years ago, maybe I would have been able to find the fine balance in life that keeps one in the pinnacle of his / her growth curve always.

I cannot forget what he said.  He spoke of his personal experience and about the ability to "Switch on and Switch off" a quality he had learnt from his seniors and a quality he said was the hallmark of our first lady Prime Minister Mrs. Indira Gandhi.  He said "the mind is a powerhouse of thoughts, rushing an gushing and threatening to flood us".  It is we who need to find this balance in what we do with the flood of emotions.  One cannot take rational decisions with the various events happenings around us, and this quality of learning when the switch on and switch off can help us get into the moment face it and learn to move to the next one, without loosing our composure and balance.  This ability can also help us learn to break free from emotions that can drain us down.  We must have all heard in various training and various reading material that we must learn to deal with out emotions.  But this quality is so unique I find so appealing.  He also told me something valuable.  Only a sensitive person can be a creative person.  Because that you would require you to feel what you are doing and to think in the terms required for you bring forth ideas.  Having said that, when we know that our sensitivity can affect the decisions we take on behalf of the organisations or make decisions that can have disastrous effects on a third person, we cannot afford to be like that.  The answer is to live in the moment and stay grounded and not get carried away.  Moving in and out of situations by composing yourself can help you feel in control of your situation and not let someone else have that control.

He gave an example of Mrs. Indira Gandhi in specific.  This was during the India-Pak War.

Indira Gandhi was once giving an important interview.  This was at the time of the Indo-Pak war.  While at the interview Indira Gandhi was answering a journalist's question.  She received an important telephone call.  She excused herself and went to another room to attend the call and after finishing the call came back and continued with the interview once again.  The journalist who was interviewing her, did not suspect anything from her outward demeanour.  It was not until the next day when he heard the news that Indian troops had entered Karachi and that the phone call Mrs. Gandhi received while they were at interview was none other than the Indian Army General who had called to ask her if they should capture Karachi or withdraw their troops.

Mrs. Gandhi had taken such a crucial and important decision while at an interview, in such a seemingly composed manner and returned back to her interview without so much as a slightest sweat on her brow.  Truly Mrs. Gandhi was an amazing person and a great leader India will miss.

This episode, Sir, explained, was about the composed manner in which Mrs. Gandhi was able to take her decision because she was in control of her emotions and could think rationally.  Needless to say interviews can be very straining, one can easily loose composure at the pesky and offensive questions of the interviewers which are sometimes meant to get under your skin.  Alas, this had no effect whatsoever on Mrs. Gandhi and its showed, how she handled herself and the country.

He went on to say that, when I am the trustee of someone's finances or resources, I have to be able to compose myself to take a rationale decision.  This calls for separation of the emotions from the decision.  It is not something which happens overnight, but is a conscious decision one makes

In today's world people want to see at the brighter side of things, at someone who offers hope.  He said "People want to see the sunrise, because it brings with it the down of a new hope, a fresh start, which people look forward to.  No one wants to see the sunset, because it reminds them of things that have ended or that are not fruitful"

"Even in the way the modern society is forming, people have to live up to the aspirations and needs of their family members.  Children look to their parents. A man is now measured on how successful and evolved he is in life today! To achieve this and meet the aspiration of his family members and relatives he need to perform.  Performance is based on rational he is in his thinking".  To be rational he needs to be a person in control of him emotions.  To be in control does not mean he suppresses his emotions but rather that he is remain unimpacted and guarded from the swings each situation can bring about.  He should be able to handle an extremely stressful situation and yet not let it affect/depress/frustrate him or to move to a joyful and successful event and yet not get carried away that he is lost to the next moment.  In short don't take anything to your head. Live in the moment.

However, having said that, learning to control the mind and learning to practice Switch On/ Switch off requires a lot of practice. But these words were very very profound and taught me such an important aspect of learning to deal with my emotional state.

I am working on this and maybe the coming days will bear witness to how well I've learnt.

A mind that looses focus!

A mind that looses focus

It happens all the time.  A mind that is so bogged down with monotony and the same things to be done 365 days a year 24X7.  Added to it is when you are taken for granted...your presence..your contribution to peoples life.  Worse is when, you are expected to be more stronger than you actually can be and bear burdens that can actually fracture the delicate balance between sanity and insanity.  People expect so much, the strain that people can actually put is unimaginable.  Each one has his or her own  limits and strengths mental and physical, up to which one can exert.  Beyond that is grappling in the darkness to find reasons for unreasonable demands and a motive of why one must go on.  This is when one wants to give up and question ones existence and the contribution that we are really making and if it is worth anything.  This is when the mind looses focus, as a mechanism to shut down, the volley of emotions of what one has to do and why it must be done.  Mindless questions circling in the head, feelings of abandonment.  A weak mind can weigh down even the strongest resolve. 

This loss of focus, can send you in different directions looking for answers.  Nothing seems to interest and nothing seems to delight.  Loss of this focus is like loosing a part of you...and essential part that keeps you alive.  Your very survival is at stake here.  Not only that, your family and friends begin to notice that it is not the same you anymore.  A friend recently asked me whether I still had that smile on my face for everyone....his words "The smile when directed at anyone could lift the person's mood and make them smile back with the same warmth".  My Answer : No, I don't have it anymore.  My answer : Zindagi mein logo koh kush karene mein ithna juth gaye, ki buhl gaye ki kithni duur aagaye, aur jana kahan tha"  (I got so absorbed with making people happy, that I forgot how far I stretched and what my end goal was to be.)  So I don't see my own reflection in the mirror any more.  Isn't that always the case? To change and struggle continuously to be accepted in family and relationships.  People may laugh and say that shouldn't be the case.  But this is India, still the traditional stronghold of families and relationships.  Where the "bahu" is the beacon of hope, the first one to be idolized or decried.  Added to it Ekta Kapoor has done more harm to the "bahus" of India than the millions of sasu-mas can possibly do.  

So!  I am searching for focus.  What happens to the inner me?  What happens when people have reached their goals in life?  Where will I be?  Where will my dreams and aspirations be?  Some parents put the burden of their dreams and aspirations on the shoulder of their children...but for me that is killing the person inside.  If I feel this way about another separate life and human being...what about the human being crying inside of me?  One of my friends recently told me of her ambitions of how she wanted to realise her goals, luckily she is not married, so I told her to pursue her dreams and "don't let anyone and anything come in the way of your dreams.  No man or woman is worth sacrificing your dreams for."

Again then, how does one focus?  How does one drown out and shut the inner voice?  How does one turn a blind eye to what they believe in for the greater good of people who depend on them?  How does one continue to learn to love life and stay strong?

I am searching for answers, deep within.  Introspection!  I know hundreds of intelligent people around me, who have answers to all this.  But they are not me and not in my head.  They do not have my thoughts and my central nervous systems, that have formed neurological pathways out of the repeated experiences and responses I have learnt to cope.  Mechanisms so deeply wired..it will take another life altering situation to break away and build new learning mechanisms.  Sometimes we hold on so strongly to things that we are so afraid to let go for the fear of anonymity is greater than the monotony of the known.  It is when you reach this exact precipice, that you begin to question your existence to live with what you know to be true or whether you want to explore into the unknown.  The decisions from here can make or break you.

Many have learn't to come out of this situation and many have not made it far.  It's my turn now.  However, I still have that one hope that is a life saviour! My Jesus!  My God!  Who accepts me with His arms open wide.  I am not fibbing..these are his exact words.. Isaiah 30:18

18Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him. 19O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.…

When I read these words, I wake up.  For through Him alone I can find focus in life and values on high...when my heart and HIS melt and weld and I see the reason why I am here.  Many times in our lives we throw our love / our heart at people who don't seem to be concerned about it, who don't even value it.  But when I read the words that the bible's every page throws at me, its clear, we were made for LOVE.  

Love is the prime focus in this world.  For true love drives out fear.  Evil cowers at the sight of true LOVE.  Ever wonder why people who are untrue are afraid of the word "LOVE", because it brings the truth to light! If we loved one another in a true spirit that God so wanted, we would find focus.  I lost this focus temporarily because my focus shifted from outward to inward. However, this does not mean I will compromise anymore..NO!  I will be myself..take it or leave it!  You better learn to deal with it.

WTF ... What the F**

These are were strong words coming from me.  But if the recent experiences are anything to go by.  I seem to be using these words more often.  And I am clueless as to why does the F**king world seem to slot people.  Why do people judge and compartmentalize.  Who do they think they are???  It is obvious my reactions are not common place...they sound angry, resentful and even down right mean.  But believe me, of late, I've met people who've had this effect on me.  I seem to be at my wits end trying to figure out why does everyone behave the way they want to and get away with it and I can at the most offer a lame excuse or deviate from the subject to hide the brutal scars they leave behind.

I was watching a NatGeo cover Photo episode on TV.  I see these beautiful talented photographers given a subject and having to capture the moments based on the theme presented to them.  Obviously, at the back of their mind, what is actually playing is not the theme and the subject, but the competition and their personal stakes and their reputation their self measurement and how they will perform vis-a-vis the others.  You see the whole focus shifted from something they loved to something they were forced to be a part of.  Actually if there were no competition and there was no measurement, these very photographers would have been about doing what their heart felt comfortable with.  Post this subject, they had to stand judgement at the hands to 2 judges. 

"Judges"  how I hate the word.  Judgement means having to measure up to what someone thinks is right or wrong, and how you have been able to connect with that judge on that level.  One of the judges was brutal with their evaluation of the photographs/moments/clicks.  While the other measured his words and was a little softer on the contestants.  I was like wow! Look at these 2 judges.  One has no bones saying what he/she felt like, while the other was considerate that there were dealing with people!  How very often we meet people like that you don't care whom they are dealing with.  

I asked my husband, why do these people take part in such contests??? Only to be slotted and measured by some peoples standards?  What a waste! Why would anyone want that??  What a way to live a live simply fulfilling someone else's expectations of you, rather than living by your own terms and living by something that makes you free!  I would never want that for my children.

Look at the world we live in today!  Filled with competition at every level.  Some people say that competition brings the best out of people....Hogwash!  It makes you an opponent when you could have been a collaborator!  What a waste of time and energy in trying to get ahead of others when you both could have been there together and enjoyed every moment there.  I have lived my whole life, surrounded by people envious of me because I had one talent - Learning!!!  It helped me evolve!  Better myself everyday...I had one focus! I am not competing with others I am competing with myself to better myself and to see how far I can go!  I don't remember ever saying no to help somebody (unless because of shortage of time)  Because helping someone meant I could bring value to that person's whatever he/she wanted to do.  I don't care for the appreciation....nothing but that opportunity to help that person and make them feel that someone cared! Cared enough.  Sometimes when you say no...it could have been that, that the person has tried every other avenue and failed and maybe you could do something different for the person no one could have done! Fate simply doesn't bring 2 people together.  It is meant for a purpose.

Also, one cannot have all the talents in the world, one is constantly learning.  This blog is full of grammatical errors.  And I am not hiding from that fact that I am a bad writer or my english/grammar is horrible.  For the one concentrating on making others feel inadequate about themselves, this would be a key issue.  But for the one who wants to hear someone pour their heart out...this is all they would see and hear.

Sometime back I read about people writing on portals for community help, how their families, friends basically their support group, made them more anguished and depressed, because of their expectations!  They were sinking more and more into depression and did not know whom to turn to!  Imagine the very people you thought you could count on!  I wanted to know what sort of a support group would do that????  What kind of a support are you offering your friend if he/she cannot be their real self with you?  Why can't someone accept you the way you are??  Is it because everyone has this mental compartment in which you are required to fit???

I come back to being "slotted".  I have one thing to offer those who judge!  You are not God and you will never be!  You don't even know the ground rules to operate in this world, cause this world does not work on your say! Neither can you say anything that will change the course of things to come.  No one knows what will happen tomorrow.  You cannot even control the hunger pangs in your stomach...you think you can control people!   I refuse to stand up to people's measurement of me..and I ask everyone out there struggling for acceptance ...not to.  You are your own master! No one can slot you.  Live your life...live your passion.  Take that risk find yourself.  Atleast it was worth it rather than living in the 4 walls of a tic tac box!!

I am for one not telling anyone slot me!  And will never take it without a fight!

#fightback #judgement  #yourterms

No more brooding over the past!

I still don't think I can handle people, much less their reaction. I used to struggle to just understand what people were saying and what they were trying to communicate with me. Frankly speaking right now it really does not matter. The more I think of it, the more the world seems stranger to me. Deciphering it takes away all my energy. Why focus all that energy on something that will drain and rob me of my zeal for life. I found myself with so much difficulty. Lived through years and months of depression and walking around with a hole in the head and heart feeling. There was nobody to lift me out, nobody. I couldn't talk to anyone who would understand me. How would they? At least this is what I felt? 

Day in a day out, people use me as a sounding board...all downloads. Sometimes I got angry at myself, sometimes I'd get angry at others. I blast off...then calm down. I'd learn to focus myself on doing good and being a better person. But off late I have realized it deep enough. People really don't care. It doesn't matter to anyone and anywhere, how u are living and how you are surviving. Everyone's struggling with their own ghosts. They don't know you and you don't know them, so no judgements. Pure acceptance and resignation that things will be the way they where mean't to be. 

Sometimes people put you down and trample on you. They fail to see that you are a simple unassuming person, prone to speak what you feel in your heart. But their reception of this message combined with their mental model and the frame of mind in which they receive it adds to the complexity. Small things get blown out of proportion. So to each one his own. I cannot rule you or your demons and I am certainly not letting you rule mine.

Depression is the after effect of having engaged with the world in the manner above. It's pushes me back in my shell. The same shell from which I crawled out..because I didn't want to die wallowing in self pity. What happened in the past is something I cannot go back and change. Forgiveness is all I can ask for. Forgive everyone for what they did to you even if it is hard, because you want to let go of that burden forever and be free once and for all! 

No brooding over the past and what went wrong

No being a stranger to the inner sound

I've got a life that worths loving..

I've got a love that's worth giving.. 

I tell myself this now. It's no use. People expect a lot and their selfishness never ends. It is a twisted story, they think you are the problem and you think it'[s them. I'd suggest u stop thinking...let go..its no use. Depression sets in when you begin to feel unworthy about your responses and how you are not up to the mark. Who has made this measure??? Who has set this standard? Are these standards the truth? Standards carved in a rock? 

I would rather focus my life on helping people. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care. I want to be that person who does and prays with all her heart that your situation changes or at least God reveals why you are in it at present. You see for everything there is a reason. We cannot see it at the moment, but during these periods...this is the time to connect with your innerself. Never let anyone think you are a loser. Those set out to make other feel that way are losers themselves. No one is going to stand up and cheer you. You got to motivate yourself. Motivation does not come from outside, it comes from within. Many a times life knocks you out and there will never be anyone to pull you up and make you walk. Don't depend on a system of support. Get up on your own, why depend on those that will not be around tomorrow? 

Tell yourself this everyday! No pretenses no excuses. There will be many people who will want you for who you are. Don't go around hard trying to find someone to like/love you. Cause that is not a sure formula to be happy. The sure sign of happiness is also not in the amount of friends you have or all the social groups you belong to. It is in being content and having a healthy heart and mind. Our bodies are a sure indicator of how stressed we are. Don't try to be perfect. Only God is perfect...human beings however evolved will never come anywhere close to HIS perfection. So don't let anyone who thinks he/she is one up has any advantage over you.

Remember! only those people whom you love have the power to hurt you. A stranger cannot hurt you as much. Turn around 360 degree..reverse the roles...you love them...stop the hurt, because you can fight their words with the shield of your meekness. Receive those injuries and darts that wound your heart and pierce your soul, with meekness...Meekness is a quality of the evolved...it shows that the person believes that God has said "Vengence is mine" and that He will come to our aid at the right time. People want to hurt you because they do not know themselves how to handle it better. It may hurt you for a day or 2, but when you know that this is the only way ..you will win ultimately. Give them time and space and give yourself space. If they come back rushing saying they are sorry, it's fine. Don't badger them with the well of words you had stored in your dam. Never give up...even to the end. Not a single person in this whole wide world is worth dying for...yet the God of love died for us! Remember him and remember why he did it. You will find focus, in your life, I did, I know. It's time you found HIM too. Only HE makes it worthwhile!!! Only for HIM is our life worthwhile!

Discovering myself at MDP

I had the opportunity to be a part of an MDP program (with the youngsters) in our organisation conducted in Oct 2013.  This MDP program was held in a resort at the outskirts of Mumbai.

It was the 1st time I was away from home for a good period of 1 week. I wondered what it would be like and my prime thought was about how my kids were going to take it.  I was not worried about my elder fellows Nathan (10) and Joshua (6) but more about my teddy bear, mouse & monkey Mikhail (4).  You see he is mamma-chipku, never been away from me.  Cries loudly after 8:00 p.m. if I don't come home.  He would never go to sleep without me, even if it meant staying awake with me till 1:00 or 2:00 a.m.  I did not want to tell him about me leaving him for 1 week, so I asked my hubby to handle him.  This was an important time to truly discover myself as a person in a team.

Anyways the great day dawned and I packed my bags under the expert guidance of my husband who had been for 3 MDP's and was a pro by now.  He advised me on what to carry and what not to and personally oversaw what I would wear and how I could protect myself from the surroundings (and you thought guys don't bother..think again) which according to him was infested with mosquitoes and lizards (eeeewwww....).

I left early and reached office and we were one of the only groups in the MDP who like good children reached our venue very much on time.  Our program conductor and trainer Mr. CD (name confidential) greeted us and allocated us rooms as per his understanding (by just looking at us :-) ).  I was allocated a room with Aarti Surve (which turned around to be a very good experience in bonding, for Aarti in turn helped me during a very bad patch).  We were to report for our 1st briefing at 12:00 p.m.  The 1st briefing we were told what to expect and what not to do and how we would be spending our days at the farm. 

It is more than 4 months now and I remember not much of what happened hour by hour.  But I remember that on day 1 we were divided into groups.  Our group consisted of the outspoken Bhuvnesh Sharma, the argumentative lawyer  Vishal Lohire, the soft-spoken Hitesh Surati, the shy Savan Kumar, the backward and quiet Amey Daphtare, the NSE nightingale and quiet a child-woman Neha Madkeikar, the smart-brooding Manish Deo, and of course the talkative me...eight of us in all.

The eight of us @ MDP Karjat Oct 2013.

Other MDP participants

The MDP began with different sessions designed to address the needs and grooming requirements of tomorrow's managers.  These sessions were filled with activity and games.  I cannot re-count all the details of each day  as this blog would not be sufficient for that.  However, I have posted pictures of each event and shall keep this brief confined to the picture based activity, it brings to mind and those moments etched in our memory forever.

The first activity for all of us to understand what we were getting into, was passing the tyre.

Activity 1 : Passing the tyre.

Lesson :  This was an activity that required us to find a method and work quickly, by passing the tyre round our bodies.  We were to out to beat the other teams. Once the deflated rubber tyre was given to us, our hands were not to leave each others.  The only way to do it was to help the other person, it was not possible to do it without assistance from the other team mates.  I suggested the jive method of putting your partner in front of you to put the rubber around her / him.  This helped.  Our group got it right and beat the other teams for 3 of the 4 times.  We kept pushing and encouraging each other to support the person whose turn it was.  The most important lesson in this game was team work and encouragement.

2nd Activity : Tunnelling the ball, group activity.

Lesson :  This activity was the 1st activity where our points score began.  The strong team from this would evolve.  We had to complete to get the first place.  Our team already showed the competitive streak.  We had to get the method right.  It was finally decided after lot of debate that the best way to do it was to number each team members run position so that when the ball passed each tunnel/channel, it was carried forward flawlessly by the next pair of hands.  This game was an eye opener on the talent and skill and contribution of each member.  This was one game where everybody was shouting orders.  Till finally CD asked us to shut up and play the game.  This helped us as finally we were allowed to talk only after a certain point.  This was one game where my skill was thoroughly tested --- I had to keep quite!  :-)  Also after a few channels I was given the task to stop the ball and get it in the glass which was placed at ground level.  Needless to say this was a very delicate task and required one to be extremely calm (which I am not!!!)  and to steady a ball which was on the roll and make sure it did not fall, did not touch the other channels, did not go backwards!!!  However, I somehow did manage to place 3 goals successfully by pure prayers and resilience, somehow I survived this ordeal and our team was declared the winner of this round !

3rd Activity : Landmine game.

Lesson :  This game once again required a method, a plan and the cooperation and physical strength of all the team-members.  We had to move 7 pieces of rubber strips on the ground in the picture shown above from one point to the other point, without leaving hands and ensure all team members crossed the final line and that all landmine strips were safely outside the danger area.  We decided the above method, and walked forward in this manner, but moving the last rubber strip and passing it to the 1st person.  We practiced this game for about 20 mins and then were told to start again while we had almost reached the end :-(   Then for the next 30 mins we did 2 rounds without saying a word to each other, just holding and supporting each other, we moved along till the final check post and again our team was declared a winner.  We did this twice over and again our team displayed strength in working together and supporting and believing in  a method proposed.  A good lesson to learn.

4th Activity : 2 legged race with all team members tied to each other.

Lesson :  This is a classic game and doesn't require much imagination.  What it requires is coordinated effort of all team members as all our legs were tied to our next partner and we have to move in synchrony like a march band.  In our team we were just 2 women and the rest were all men, so the women were placed at the end and the men in the center.  We marched together counting aloud 1, 2 - 1 - 2  till we reached a synchrony.  CD was very proud with our presentation and team gusto.  We did it and we were proud of having achieved the same.   

5th Activity : Placing the 3 different balls on a pole.

Lesson :  The game just got tougher.  This was another surprise and impossible activity according to us.  This task was really very delicate and required each member of the team to give all the support he/she possibly could to make this task succeed as there were negative markings.  This task consisted of 8 members of the team being given ends of a long rope (each of unequal length).  All the ropes were tied to a ring and this ring was placed through a bamboo pole.  The task was to carry the ball that was placed in the center of the pole with the ring under it.  We had to lift the ring with the ball balanced on it without dropping the ball.  Each drop would cost us 500 hundred points.  Once the ring was lifted we had to balance the ball and carry it to the next territory and place it there without dropping it. We had to do this activity with 3 different materials of balls i.e. table tennis ball, a rubber ball and a plastic ball.  It was a herculean task, not made easy by the following.  All team members were giving orders and telling everyone what to do.  The territory was uneven, grass and mud and patchy and we had trees and shrubs in between.  We had to pass all this and do it.  Each member was a particular distance and had to hold the rope at their distance only, so when it came to placing the ball no one could see whether the ball was exactly being placed on top of the pole or not.  Somehow we survived this game through sheer strength and team work or rather the dedicated effort made by few individuals who went out of their way to save the game.  At the end of the game, however, there was no blame game, we laughed, and enjoyed and forgot about it and moved on.  That was the best part of our team.  By this time we were way ahead of the other teams in points score.  If we formed opinions or judgments about others, we kept it to ourselves, but moved along with the team scoring another victory.

6th Activity :  Making a pattern with hooks and rope and with blind-folded team members.

Lessons : The most important part of this game was the communication and the method in which one member of the team would instruct the other 7 players about what the activity was without giving direct orders.  You see the members of the team were blind-folded and given a steel hook.  They were told to stand in a circle and the place the hook into the ground.  Then they were to tie 2 strings of ropes around each of the hooks buried in the ground till a pattern emerged.  None of the team members could see each other or the hooks buried in the ground at what location.  They had to depend on the instruction of the single leader who was to give this unclear orders.  Work on hindsight if you must call it that.  We didn't finish the game on time and hence we lost out.  Lesson we learnt here was how important it is to have clear and direct communication and how often communication is not about what we heart but also about what we see.  This was the 1st game were we lost courage because of our defeat.

Rappelling : Mind blowing adventure.

Lesson :  On the Thursday of the program week, we went to this point called Kondane Caves, around 45 mins away from the resort.  This was a first time I had ever gone trekking up a mountain top. Considering the fact that I was extremely unfit ( I am currently a XXL size, from an M size 6 years back),  this was a huge challenge for me.  I was not sure I was up for it.  I had nightmares that I would be the only person left behind, or I would make an excuse or I would tell others please go ahead as I have a medical condition etc.  This looked stupid because CD and his teammates,  older than me by years scaled the mountains like youngsters.  I had my roommate Aarti with me, who seriously had a medical condition and she was also ready to scale the mountain.  Feeling ashamed I walked with her. Chetan, Hitesh and Hemang were along with us throughout, helping and guiding us.  As the time grew and the climb grew steeper, I thought I could  no longer go on. Then Chetan  said the most encouraging words to me which broke my mental lock.  He said, "Veena, only till your heart beat reaches a certain climax that you will feel the burden, once you cross that threshold you will no longer feel the burden again".  Saying this I put my trust in those words and forged ahead and truly, it did happen. After sometime I did not feel the burden and clawed and climbed without support just to test my physical limits. I was the last to reach on top.  But I had done it.  I made it.  No excuse. 

Ha ha, this was not the end of the activities for that day, a more worse fate awaited us.  Rappelling, being tied and lowered down the side of the mountain which is called rappelling.   But before that, CD put me to another task.  He told me to go up ahead and scale the higher part of the mountain where there was a ledge and a stream, with breathe taking beauty.  My companions followers, who were oh so concerned that this "aunty" might not make it, journeyed along with me.   Chetan, Sagar, Bhuvnesh, Hemang and CD climbed up this ledge and spent a good 1 hours enjoying the beauty of this place and clicking photographs.    We went back after 1 hour of relaxing and taking in the natural beauty of the place.

Then came our turn, but before that we had to coax 2 people who had the toughest time simply preparing  their mental state to trust the people and their equipment and get down.  I will never forget this part and the amount of words and coaxing it took to get them down.  When my turn came I simply put to practice what I was telling others and trusted the men and their equipment.  Did as I was instructed and kept walking backwards.  The rest of the team was shouting encouragement from below and telling me what to do and I just for once followed blindly what they were asking me.

I have posted this video at this link :    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202213038277474&set=vb.1535230112&type=2&theater

It is privately shared because of a conversation in the video which is not for public domain.  If you are interested please write to me and I shall make the link available on request. 

There were other activities like the Checkerboard and group activities which were indoors.  But the surprise came on the day we were to assess ourselves based on a few questions on what sort of person we are.   Somehow in all the activities I was always the odd one out and was getting pretty nervous of these worksheet based psychometric analysis which was beginning to psyche me.  There was this activity about Conflict management that we had to complete wherein we could be slotted into our mechanism of handling conflict and our dominant streak would surface.  The 5 categories were Competitive, Collaborative,  Compromising, Accommodating and Avoiding.

This was one activity which completely stunned me, because of the reaction of my team mates.  Half of them expected me to score the highest in the "competitive" category.  They were surprised when I told them I scored the highest in Collaborative.  This came as a surprise to CD too and I was giggling so much that I made Neha read my scores.  This was an eye-opener.  I remember CD's word ringing in my ears till today saying.  "for all the personality displays and the stance she adopts, she comes across as confrontational and competitive, ever throwing challenges at you.  However, I now understand that the questions she throws at you are not to upset you but to make you realize your deep fear and bring out what is facing you, because she wants you to collaborate with her in finding a solution".   He then went on to explain what situation he has seen me use this style of management.

8th Activity : Making a Tower with straws and pins.  We were given a bunch of thin straws (extremely flimsy) and steel pins to anchor the straws together to make a tower not less than 3 feet of height and with a strong base, that if thrown from a height would still stand firm on the base and not collapse. 

Lesson :  This game required a design.  By this time I was already demoralized and demotivated, with all that was happening and I was beginning to see myself very negatively, I thought I was not doing the right things etc and I wanted to keep my distance and not give feedback and all the negative emotions evolved and I felt I could not contribute.  This was the end of the story for me.  And this was where the team failed on this task.  This was mindset and this withdrawal held to a poor performance of our team, because I became self-centred.

Lessons from this MDP :

Outspoken, jovial and open book that I am, I went around mixing and talking to everyone.  I am not sure if others felt uncomfortable around me, or didn't like me for the way I was or am.  I opened myself without reserve to receive and find the person inside of others who was waiting to be discovered.  I wanted to seriously drop judgements and see the person inside.  Given the right opportunity people do open up and talk.  But for this they need to be reassured that you are not a threat to them and that your motives are genuine and not to put anyone down.  I was really out of place with a young crowd and felt like an aunty out there, but so many people made me feel so very comfortable and kept assuring me of their support.  How can I ever forget this experience.  I learnt a big lesson from MDP, it is not about who, how old or what you are.  It is about what and how you make the other person feel in your company..alive and free or uncomfortable. 

I was soul searching for a few weeks after MDP and all that happened and the words and feedback that CD kept giving time and again began to weigh heavily on me.  I began to think of myself as not appropriate for the role of a manager or a team leader and began to seriously doubt myself as good colleague or even a good human being.  6 months down the line I brush aside those memories and remember just one thing.  Not every body can be a manger, but the most important part is to find yourself and make the contribution that only you can make as a team member.  Nobody can take your place or find that unique blend of talent and characteristics it requires to support a team.  What is important is to be that team manager that makes your team feel special about themselves and their contribution and not to make them feel that they were not doing enough.  Anyone can contribute, you just need to bring out the best in them.  And the most difficult task is to find that one person who can bring out the best in them to make them aware that they are unique. It is their skill that can make or change the situation. Being this one person who can bring out the best in people is a true leader, manager and boss, even without a title.    Everyone wants to be loved and accepted in a team.   I may not go one to become a great manager out of MDP, but I want to be that person that helps others fulfil their true potential.

Until the next MDP in 2014 I am waiting to see what I do next ;-)

Tears!

Tears my only recourse!

Drop by drop it rolls down
glistening my cheek
Unchecked, uninhibited, unabated
not in my control

My only recourse, the well inside
bursting emotions, sweep the tide
These feelings pour, through the doors of the eyes
Tears my vent to the well inside.

When everythings failing and there's anger inside
How do you curb the tide inside
The rage thats bursting the anger thats swelling
When your frustrations won't subside.

I can fight, I can fall, I'll take flight
But can't run away from the mirror inside.
That shows how things have been
A chance to introspect, in a way that right.

When all I've sat and thought
about things said and acts done, I realise,

You can't hold people responsible
You can't ask them to be right
You will never know when they'll be true
For they don't understand you
and they've never tried.

When all they will think and say, is what's inside
For everyones bursting with their own fight
Soon however turns the tide.

Tears teach you life's greatest lesson
To release the well of fear and fight
To calm down the mind and resign
Words pour out from a peaceful mind
That's set right with the peace inside.

When the tide has ebbed and the flow subsides.
And the effect of the full moon done its might
When sanity returns and so does calm
You'll see another you in the mirror of life.

A wiser saner, a stronger person
That's found a way to calm a tornado
Bursting emotions no longer rule
What rules me now is the power over YOU!
(YOU..stands for whatever ones fighting)

Everyone meets their fate,
Life's a roller coaster that never abates
Today I am down, but tomorrow naught
Can hold my force over things to come!

So today, I use my only recourse
Today I am washed with tears of remorse
I wipe them back, because I know
Tomorrows just around the corner...and there I'll go!

Love Lessons from Love itself.

I thought I was alone
This crazy world's tune unknown
I couldn't sing, I couldn't stand
What it is, I could not understand

Alone, Alone all alone I felt
This heart was empty and bare
My days were weary and cursed
I suffered, but I did not why
why should I this burden be tried

Weird, funny, queer, I'd be labelled
I felt I was living on mars
I did not understand what was going around
I'd look like a fool to the passerby

I struggled onward this deary road
Wondering who'd kiss this toad.
Wondering who would make me feel
Like I should laugh and enjoy it carefree!
Aching on the inside,
not a thing lasted, but for a while.
people, friends, good times...
Hold on still, be there for a while.
Nothing, nothing stayed on.
Moments, memories left like a breeze
Gently it kissed my cheek.
But that was all, there was to it.

Till I heard a soft voice speak
What is it that you seek?
Beloved, know that the love you have is divine
Waste it not on things futile.
Know that You are My love...
for more than me no one ever will you love
Cause I died proving to you My love
See My arms are stretched out and wide!
You are mine and I have claimed you for Mine!

Jesus, You are the sweetest thing that happened to me
When the world shut its door on me.
I stood by Your grace and even when my courage failed
You held me tight, never letting me go
Showing me what true lovers hold on to.
I've learnt from you the lesson of love.
It's not a feeling..it is power!

Why should I?

Why should I love someone,
when they don't feel the same.

Why should I long for someone,
when they obviously don't care.

Why should I care about people
when they don't know I exist

Why should I work for someone
when they don't even appreciate

Why should I wait for someone,
when they don't know that I am

Why should I forgive someone,
when I am so hurt by their words

Why should I let go of that hurt
when they've destroyed my life.

Why should I sacrifice
when sometimes I am the only one

Why should I pay the price
when it means risking my all

Why should I hide my pain
when people spew venom every time.

Why should I be nice
when people obviously don't think twice before slashing your heart.

I will tell you why! Said a voice deep inside.

I will love and love till it hurts
because I believe in giving and not in receiving
For you my love shall ever grow and increase each day

I will long for them to be home
For them the doors are open wide and they shall never close.

I will forgive and forget and release the pain
For I shall not be shackled by burdens not mine.

I shall heal with sweet words and lend my ears
For I know what it is to be at the receiving end.

I care when the world closes their door
For I shall shelter when they have no where to go.

I shall risk being called a fool
I shall risk being tripped for my love

I shall risk being used by people
Knowing fully well they always meant to in the 1st place.

I will wait till the final bugle sounds
Cause even if it takes my all, I'll risk it all.

I will work till I give my all
For I shall reap my fruits of labour on heaven's shore

For When my Saviour comes,
When my Saviour comes
To take me home, he'll smile and ask

Did you live with me in your heart
And I shall gladly say,
You know I did Lord,
You know I did.

Veena W Dsouza

Creativity and me...

Creativity brings out the best in me, I forget myself, when I am one with "creative", and creative in me! 

You open my eyes and heart to the beauty around me

Make me see what you can offer me.

A chance, a life, a moment of glory..

To be someone, I never thought I'd be.

I have never felt so wonderfully alive

in your company, I feel transcendence..

You bring out the best in me

I never myself knew, how adept at words I could be

Till the words I penned below.

I am willing to risk this pain for a blithe share in your glory

Abandon my fears and live a little longer

For sooner my eyes shall open and I face reality

In your company I am heedless and free..

I posted this image on my facebook page sometime back and knowing me, can't help but write. So this post is dedicated to the "what makes my heart beat harder".... Creativity.

I never considered myself as a Creative person.  The first time I heard that word was when I working in the Web Team and my boss asked me to do something creative.  I freaked out, I am not creative, I can't come up with something creative.  But going back to the task and thinking of doing something creative, made me realise that creativity was nothing but out of the box thinking... which I somehow, find very challenging and something that make my heart beat faster.  If someone would even ask me to think up and come with something different, I'd spend the next 2 to 3 days walking in a daze and dreaming and thinking and not hearing any conversations going around me (Imagine me being silent)...I'd dream in pictures and visualise and think and draw and write and keep doing stuff and put aside all priorities to just catch that train of thoughts running around my head.  Imagine thinking in a frame slides per second, before you've seen it, the next picture is thrown at you and you jump from one thought process to another.

It takes the right kind of person to kindle that fire and you let you discover your true self.  I have been good at art in school and even during my Legion of Mary days. We had very creative and fun outgoings, planning for the most different events that would make a difference.  But I never quite used this opportunity at work in terms of creativity, except for in excellence building, as I could think in my head the full process before I could actually make it work.  I owe this discovery to my boss Nandakumar.  Trust Nandakumar for finding the talent and reaping its benefits.  He makes you feel like you are a different and unique individual and that you should use your talents and gifts to build people and build yourself.  He has taught me so much and pushed me to challenges I had doubts I could achieve myself. I always shirked from taking initiative as I thought that my inefficiency would get reflected.  You see I am an extremely forgetful person and I forget many things I am supposed to do.  

But when the Creativiy bug strikes, I don't forget.  Infact, its difficult to stream those ideas and images.  I need just a paper or a whiteboard to start drawing all those thoughts in 3D which cannot be captured by any camera the world over.  This is my remorse, and many a times I let go because I feel too lazy to pursue my dreams, because once I get involved it is nothing but all of me.  Entirely devoted, dedicated to make it succeed whatever the cost.  It may look stupid to others, but atleast I gave it a shot. 

I remember reading Richard Roll's blog on what makes your heart beat the hardest. Here's the link http://www.richroll.com/uncategorized/the-art-of-living-with-purpose/.  

Rich Roll is world renowned ultra-distance triathlete, wellness advocate, host of the wildly popular Rich Roll Podcast & #1 bestselling author of Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World’s Fittest Men & Discovering Himself. You can read more words and listen to his conversations at www.richroll.com

He speaks of "stop trying so hard to find shortcuts to “hack” your life.  The best things are hard.  Invest in the journey" and he goes on to say 

Then the voice.  That flawless, unpolluted and haunting ancient pure Celtic tongue.  A relic of wisdom from a time long since past.  

Open your eyes and heart to the world.

I never set out to become anything in particular, only to live creatively, and push the scope of my experience. For adventure. And through passion.

Heavy waves, waves with weight. They coax from comfortable routine. Ignite the imagination. Convey some divine spark.  Whisper possibilities.

If I only scrape a livin’, at least it’s a livin’ worth scrapin’. If there’s no future in it, at least its a present worth rememberin’. For fires of happiness. And waves of gratitude. For everything that brought us to that point on Earth at that moment in time. To do something worth rememberin’.

I've never been so inspired by something so transformational.  Richards life has been a strenuous journey, but never did he give up.  At 40 he dreamed the impossible.  His inspiration has awakened a latent fire in me, to push myself to the limits, to test what I can do and where I can go...Let's see what the coming months bring in terms of transforming myself and what I do with what I  have.  And let me be able to find the true answer to what makes my heart beat the hardest!