I still don't think I can handle people, much less their reaction. I used to struggle to just understand what people were saying and what they were trying to communicate with me. Frankly speaking right now it really does not matter. The more I think of it, the more the world seems stranger to me. Deciphering it takes away all my energy. Why focus all that energy on something that will drain and rob me of my zeal for life. I found myself with so much difficulty. Lived through years and months of depression and walking around with a hole in the head and heart feeling. There was nobody to lift me out, nobody. I couldn't talk to anyone who would understand me. How would they? At least this is what I felt?
Day in a day out, people use me as a sounding board...all downloads. Sometimes I got angry at myself, sometimes I'd get angry at others. I blast off...then calm down. I'd learn to focus myself on doing good and being a better person. But off late I have realized it deep enough. People really don't care. It doesn't matter to anyone and anywhere, how u are living and how you are surviving. Everyone's struggling with their own ghosts. They don't know you and you don't know them, so no judgements. Pure acceptance and resignation that things will be the way they where mean't to be.
Sometimes people put you down and trample on you. They fail to see that you are a simple unassuming person, prone to speak what you feel in your heart. But their reception of this message combined with their mental model and the frame of mind in which they receive it adds to the complexity. Small things get blown out of proportion. So to each one his own. I cannot rule you or your demons and I am certainly not letting you rule mine.
Depression is the after effect of having engaged with the world in the manner above. It's pushes me back in my shell. The same shell from which I crawled out..because I didn't want to die wallowing in self pity. What happened in the past is something I cannot go back and change. Forgiveness is all I can ask for. Forgive everyone for what they did to you even if it is hard, because you want to let go of that burden forever and be free once and for all!
No brooding over the past and what went wrong
No being a stranger to the inner sound
I've got a life that worths loving..
I've got a love that's worth giving..
I tell myself this now. It's no use. People expect a lot and their selfishness never ends. It is a twisted story, they think you are the problem and you think it'[s them. I'd suggest u stop thinking...let go..its no use. Depression sets in when you begin to feel unworthy about your responses and how you are not up to the mark. Who has made this measure??? Who has set this standard? Are these standards the truth? Standards carved in a rock?
I would rather focus my life on helping people. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care. I want to be that person who does and prays with all her heart that your situation changes or at least God reveals why you are in it at present. You see for everything there is a reason. We cannot see it at the moment, but during these periods...this is the time to connect with your innerself. Never let anyone think you are a loser. Those set out to make other feel that way are losers themselves. No one is going to stand up and cheer you. You got to motivate yourself. Motivation does not come from outside, it comes from within. Many a times life knocks you out and there will never be anyone to pull you up and make you walk. Don't depend on a system of support. Get up on your own, why depend on those that will not be around tomorrow?
Tell yourself this everyday! No pretenses no excuses. There will be many people who will want you for who you are. Don't go around hard trying to find someone to like/love you. Cause that is not a sure formula to be happy. The sure sign of happiness is also not in the amount of friends you have or all the social groups you belong to. It is in being content and having a healthy heart and mind. Our bodies are a sure indicator of how stressed we are. Don't try to be perfect. Only God is perfect...human beings however evolved will never come anywhere close to HIS perfection. So don't let anyone who thinks he/she is one up has any advantage over you.
Remember! only those people whom you love have the power to hurt you. A stranger cannot hurt you as much. Turn around 360 degree..reverse the roles...you love them...stop the hurt, because you can fight their words with the shield of your meekness. Receive those injuries and darts that wound your heart and pierce your soul, with meekness...Meekness is a quality of the evolved...it shows that the person believes that God has said "Vengence is mine" and that He will come to our aid at the right time. People want to hurt you because they do not know themselves how to handle it better. It may hurt you for a day or 2, but when you know that this is the only way ..you will win ultimately. Give them time and space and give yourself space. If they come back rushing saying they are sorry, it's fine. Don't badger them with the well of words you had stored in your dam. Never give up...even to the end. Not a single person in this whole wide world is worth dying for...yet the God of love died for us! Remember him and remember why he did it. You will find focus, in your life, I did, I know. It's time you found HIM too. Only HE makes it worthwhile!!! Only for HIM is our life worthwhile!
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