Life's lessons or telling life to bring it on.

Hi friends, my thoughts for today.

It's not about what life teaches you...it's about what you tell life.

Look here I am standing right in front of your doorstep, bring it on.... Hit me with your best.

I find so many people, kids/teenagers struggling with their relationships (parents, friends, gf/bf spouses), trying to find that perfect someone that their whole life revolves around it. Not that I am a perfect person and don't have problems at all. No rather, with me nothing is ever even remotely good. I seem to attract the worst of the lot sometimes and don't know what to tell them. Knowing me, problems abound and I am battling a bunch of them every week.

What I would like to stress on is that, no man or woman will be the perfect partner, you hoped for. Or it may turn out to be that he or she was not half the man or woman you thought they will be. What do you do then? Give up, get frustrated and blow everything and everyone around you. Yes, temporarily that maybe a good way to start off. But after some time when the tide has subsided, introspect.

Whatever you do don't throw your life away. This not a solution. Get angry, get depressed, but don't stay that way for long. Shake yourself off and fill yourself back with enthusiasm. Find a mechanism to deal with your situation or learn to turn to something that will bring you out of the dumps. For me writing helps. When I am hurt or angry with all the pent up emotions, I focus on writing positive things. When I write and focus on the opposite of what I feel I am able to lift myself instantaneously. That is why I went ahead and made the investment of buying a smart phone not because I can chat with friends, but because I can write wherever I am and store my thoughts. Also through this medium I can offer my unconditional love and support without making judgements, to friends in need of a shoulder.

Coming back....No one will ever be the perfect partner you long for. The point is how good a partner you are to yourself. Can you tell yourself to get out of the dumps and start walking? Can you tell "Life", I've crossed this hurdle you've thrown at me, what next?

The greatest people in the world have first conquered personal battles before embarking on an uncharted territory. They have been able to do that only based on their convictions and looking inward and not outward. Look outwards towards your goal, with the inner person in mind.

To build a good relationship with your inner self, you need a make a start early on. Obviously, you cannot survive this journey alone. That is why even though some people think that God is just a figment of your imagination, it is still worth having that figure in your lives. Just to hold on to sanity. But, for those who do not think of God just as a figment of their imagination, but someone real, life is different. He comes in to your life, only when he makes you ready. In his time. He never asked you to be the best and most perfect person, rather he offers you his perfection.

If only you could see the perfection of God and how everything human pales in comparison, you will realise, that despite everything life's thrown at you, you can go on, because someone is smiling and cheering you on.

People and relationships have motives, you cannot deny it. Even having a child for parents is a motive. The mother wants to prove that she is not barren and the father wants an heir. God has no such motive. He only wants you to be able to make a choice. Does any relationship offer you that?? I do not have any restrictions on my husbands time or space. I don't complain about where he goes or who he hangs out with, women/men, friends, anyone. But even I expect him at times to be there, when I need him....it's another thing altogether whether he chooses or not to do what I expect. But that does not deter me. I turn to my other partner who strengthens me, to do whatever I set to do. Digging deep asking life to bring on whatever it has, because I have a true friend and partner, who has seen it all.

So till next time..we meet again.

Being Human? I am human already!

Going places with love.

Salman Khan's "Being Human" is a big word these days.  I wondered whoever coined that phrase for Salman Khan...surely was a confused guy! "Being Human"  - I am human already.  How do I be a human!  What does "Being Human" mean?  

We are human beings, maybe we sometimes don't choose to live like human beings and may occasionally lapse into the lower order i.e. animals, but we are essentially human beings.  There is nothing to be achieved by "Being human".  Humans are weakness personified... Yet in this humanness is an acceptance of our nature that allows us to tether between the 2 diverse sides... Gory and Glory.   

When we rise and transcend to capacities greater than our human selves and aspire to love, evolve, emote and share, we mirror the nature of our creator.  He did not want us to be just "humans".  For he made us as in his own image which is "Perfection".  We find ourselves getting more closer to our perfection, our creator "In whom all things are made perfect"  I always advocate love, for love is no human emotion, it is placed there in our hearts by the divine.

Scientifically, speaking the human heart is not capable of emotion.  Emotion is situated in various areas of our brain, which control thought and process information, which we receive through stimuli.  However, when in love or in an extremely emotion situation, which organ is the one that feels actually???  The heart... it beats...it resounds with the drumming inside of the head...it aches...sometimes you feel like you are walking with a hole inside your heart!  Sometimes, the emotions burst out and you feel like your heart can explode!  Then why does love feel like it is in the heart!  Why does love make us do mad things...crazy things!

Answer is very simple, Love is not a human emotion.  In the words of Saint Paul in his letter to the Corinthians (1) : Chap 13:4-8  says

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Why did Saint Paul the great doctor of the Church write about Love so profoundly.  Simply because every follower of Christ was a mad lover, willing to die and sacrifice himself for Love.  For Love is the only emotion, that binds us to our Creator.

Remember the hymn, "Love it was that made us and it was love that saved us.  Love was God's plan when he made man.  God's divine nature is Love.  Born of love we must love him, that's why he made us to love him!....."

We can do another test to find out why love is so divine...and how love makes us more than human.

Test 1 : Suppose you are walking down a road and you see a small boy standing in the middle of the road about to meet with an accident, and there is absolutely no time to save him.  What would be your initial reaction?  Stand frozen and stare, watch helplessly or jump to save him throwing all caution to the wind?  If you were not connected to that child, yes these reactions would be yours.  But not if you were his mother and was watching him!  She would throw caution to wind and run towards him in whatever human effort she could make...just to try and save him.  This is love, hoping when there is no hope! 

Test 2 : You know a very close friend of yours who is in need of a kidney, that can save his life. You are not his only friend, perhaps he has say around 5 close friends in his group including you. He has a small family consisting of mother, sister (unmarried sister) and father.  He has a girlfriend who loves him a lot. Say out of the 9 people in his life 3 have been tested and found suitable as kidney donors.  His girlfriend, you and his sister.  Who would offer to give up their organ for him?  This test would give proof of love.  Knowing the consequences and offering to sacrifice!  Would you have the courage as a normal person?  Very very difficult choice indeed.  

I could give a hundred examples more to provide proof that love calls for extreme action, one that cannot be supported by reason, logic or judgement.  Love thrives because it is a Gift from God and has the power to destroy evil. Love is not selfish. Love is generous, forgiving and untainted by the sin of pride. Love is a gift of God.  We must ask God to give us this Gift, every day, for it is the only armour against hatred.  Gandhiji, Swami Vivekanand were  true disciples of Love.  They transformed their lives and the lives of others because they believed in Love.  That it alone has the capacity and capability to stand up to hatred.

Let me also delve on the other side of not being human.  The gory side.  Ever wonder why the world is sinking so much in despair?  Ever wonder why crime has increased to such an extent? Evil and hate are the deadly potent destroying us humans.  Because, only we are capable of filling our cups with the poison of hate or with the wine of love!  We can get drunk in both cases and the same human being can be two different beings.  Intoxicated by love, I can change things for someone who is in need of love, by my concern, care and empathy.  On the other hand, drunk on the deep poison of hatred, I can spew venom on everyone around me and bite and chew their heads like no ones business.  Hatred is evil, it seeks to destroy and tear down everything it touches.  It burns, it consumes and nothing can put out the fire.  It grows everyday like coals simmering underneath the surface, waiting to explode and decimate everything in its path! Murder, rape, terrorism, looting, burning, vandalism...hatred seeks to breed more hatred and spreads like a virus.  Nothing good ever comes out of hatred.  The world and the middle east are a living testimony of hatred at these times.  Hatred does not start out like this....it is a slow disease of selfishness, ambition, greed, need for power and dominion...it looks like any ordinary person would term it...arrogance.  But, slowly, the externals start fading and the person gets more desperate..wanting to control and plot...and I just don't want to think or talk about it because I begin to feel uncomfortable with this emotion..

Coming back..We cannot even think of changing this world by just "being humans", we need to be more than that.  Ever wondered why your heart pounds so hard before a difficult task of sacrifice, or a decision that requires courage?  Ever wondered why you feel so happy and fulfilled when you help someone or make someone's day?   Ever wonder why the world seems so bright when someone smiles at you, compliments you?  Not because you are human, but because the DIVINE has merged with the HUMAN.

A little prayer..

I said a little prayer for you my Love

Prayed for the very best to come your way

Opened my arms and praised heaven

For sending you my way.

For you see I was not worthy of this blessing

much less, life seemed a burden

Until I found a mirror in your eyes

That helped me see who am I

I am not hoping for rosy days

or singing and dancing everywhere.

Neither do I expect you to be my shinning knight

and rescue me from my plight.

Rather I am hoping that by your side

I may enjoy my fate, my bricks and bats

To sacrifice all I have at the altar of love

To make this love so pure and worthy

To serve you with love with sacrifice.

and to be true always to the end of my life. 

True love v/s. romantic love : ACCEPTS V/S. EXPECTS.  These 2 divergent attributes define the thin line between True and Romantic love.

Jesus teaches us to love and love truly.  When I opened my heart to His love, I realised I was never the same again.  Not that I have not deviated from His love from time to time, but He always brought me back with every experience and encounter I had with the world, showing me why I needed to depend so heavily on HIS love alone.  In Jesus, my relationships are intact, never messy, because my focus is the "God of Love".  I may be mad and over the top to people and people may never really fathom me, but that never bothers me, cause I know that as long as you are separated from your creator and your true essence, you will always see things in the manner in which the world sees it -  through tinted glasses.  And that is some ugly, make believe, horror story!   True love has helped me overcome so many of the problems I have faced either at home or at work.

1. Competition at work
2. Insecurity about my job.
3. Relationship with my peers and colleagues
4. Relationship with my cousins, in-laws and family members.
5. My relationship with my friends and their friends.
6. My kids and my spouse!

There are other areas that I still need to work on, but the story doesn't end with this. War of words will never end.  Many things and people will tick you off.  But the most important part of love is humility in the relationship.  One person must always be ready to say "Sorry".  Don't lay the blame at the doorstep, simply apologise. Put down the arms when the day is over. "Don't let the sun set on your anger".  True love would do that, forgive, accept, embrace and welcome every opportunity to love again!  


Till we meet again!

Pay it forward and Jai Ho!

Salman's 2014 release of Jai Ho shares the same central theme of the movie "Pay It Forward" (year 2000 release) (watch it here : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/) The plot of the movie is like this

"Young Trevor McKinney, troubled by his mother's alcoholism and fears of his abusive but absent father, is caught up by an intriguing assignment from his new social studies teacher, Mr. Simonet. The assignment: think of something to change the world and put it into action. Trevor conjures the notion of paying a favor not back, but forward--repaying good deeds not with payback, but with new good deeds done to three new people. Trevor's efforts to make good on his idea bring a revolution not only in the lives of himself, his mother and his physically and emotionally scarred teacher, but in those of an ever-widening circle of people completely unknown to him. Written by Jim Beaver

I had never had a chance to watch the movie back then, because going for movies was an actually no/no and back then my friends didn't dig "off beat" movies.  This had nothing to do with aliens roaming about planet earth, seeking to destroy all mankind, or with Pierce Brosnan or Arnold Schwarzenegger ripping the enemy apart single handedly with his tommy gun!  So all I could do was sit and decipher the central theme of the movie with the help of the trailer.   But I did understand the movie and visualised all that one could achieve with this central message.  My dear friends Suzie and Simone used to always say, "the world is round, what goes around comes around".  I quiet never understood what they meant then.  Now, 14 years later the world is waking up to this realisation that community and society must have a responsibility to one another.

For me helping people came naturally, it was never like I had to make an extra effort.  I remember my colleague Tanvi saying once to me, you just can't say no na???   I remember in the movie Jai Hoi, while Salman gets depressed to think that his idea would really work and people will scoff at his message.  He simply could not understand how people could turn a blind eye to those in trouble around them. Tabu who plays Salman's sister counsels him, that whilst other people need to make an extra effort to help people and would often term it as "out of the way", for Salman "out-of-the-way" was the only way and it came naturally.  Because he saw things what others would turn a blind eye to or ignore at best.  This movie is truly about what Salman is and what he really feels as a person off screen too.

After Cyril D'Souza happened I have decided to never ever sit and watch and wait till something worse happens, and then not be able to do anything about it other than lament and "wish" I could have done something to change it.  NEVER AGAIN.  Life is so precious, and one must not throw it away!  And this is exactly about what I feel as a person.

How can you turn a blind eye when someone around you is wanting, hurting, longing for acceptance and love.  I see people, specially elderly people, around me looking at kids, my kids often and seeing how families are happy together.  I see women, looking at me many a times surrounded with my boys, smiling.  I wonder if they are not able to have kids or just wondering how can I have so many boisterous kids! How many times I have made my fellas walk up to elderly people and say "Hello", shake hands and talk with them.  I remember the joy on their faces when someone talks to them.  At the end of the day I feel so fulfilled to have brought a smile to the faces of these elderly folk who have during their time given so much to society in so many ways.

Sometime back, I met this gentleman outside Orlem Church, I don't quite remember his name now (it doesn't matter I may never see him again),  he was waiting in the church porch and smiling by at everyone and I felt so touched to see him sitting there when the others had left and when the lights were out, that I couldn't help but walk over to him and hello him, just for the heck of it.  He was all smiles and spoke about himself being associated with some movie productions etc. (half of which I didn't remember) but what I took away that day was I did something stupid and it worked.

I wonder what would it take for people to realise that not only should be help 3 persons in turn, you should help everyone, every time you get the opportunity.  It is not necessary that the person you help would have the generosity of heart or the courage to do the same to someone at the same time, so help everyone when in need without thinking of whether you would look stupid if you did it.  As I wrote the other day on my blog about being judgemental, one may never know when another person was just waiting to be helped or waiting to just tell someone, but never got the signal.  Coming back to my favourite Jesus..."Love one another as I have loved you".   Love is action that speaks the words and walks the talk.  Don't just say - show it, live that life.

My son was talking to me about a video on You Tube which someone showed him, It's called Life vest Inside "Kindness Boomerang - One day".  Check it out You Tube it is called Kindness Boomberang.  Whilst I saw the video, which depicted the immediate feel good factor of one person helping the another immediately, and how finally the person who started the chain of events benefited in the bargain finally, which bring us to the point that what goes around comes around.

This actually rarely happens in real life.  In real life you surprise a few people with your strange and out-of-the-way attitude and usually that it is shrugged off immediately by the recipient.  But one must not loose heart, for if you are truly someone whose heart longs to help and change things around, the golden rule is to "NEVER GIVE UP".  Trust me when I say this, I've personally tried it!

Cheers.

March 26, 2014

Thou shall not Judge!

Being Judgemental..

I remember as a kid my deepest hurt was people writing me off..as just another dumb blonde, with nowhere to go.  I couldn't blame them.  I did not have a mirror to tell me or show me what they were thinking of me.  The worst was I didn't know or rather had no clue as to why people liked or disliked you, why someone makes you a friend and why sometimes you can never make friends.  I never had an inkling.

Lucky to say I survived all this because of true friends.  Those that stood by my side during the worst phases of my life and watched over me with angel eyes.  Never judged me.  I am thankful that God gave me such friends, that helped me transform and strengthen my life.  Above all I, want to thank GOD Himself, for being that friend.  He opened my heart to true love.  Love that only God can fill in your heart.

Had it not been for these true friends of mine, I would have given up on myself long back!! Deep down in the dumps (one has no idea what I went through!)  and hurting wanting to run away and stop the pain and ridicule and anger that it built inside of me.  What I came across to people was an extremely angry, spoilt and crass brat who had no mannerism...and that is what brings me precisely to why I am writing this heart felt content about how the world judges.

This Sunday March 22, 2014, there was a passage from the Gospel of John, about Jesus speaking to the Samaritan woman. (Read the passage here http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+4 ) The priest Fr. Austin, gave a wonderful insight into how we pre-judge people.  He said that during Jesus's time men never spoke to women in public, and even worse Jews never spoke to Samaritans.  This passage of Jesus speaking to the woman of Samaria at the well was the longest discourse in the bible of where Jesus himself reveals his true mission to this sinful woman (as the Samaritans of her time would call her).  Why did Jesus bother to speak to her?  He told her everything about herself, including the existing life she was leading and not one word of judgement drops from his lips, while he offers her hope of eternal salvation and the springs of living water!

What the priest went on to say is that people are hurting inside and that Jesus looked beyond her sin to her hurt and what it was that was hurting her.  This woman was looking for a love that could satisfy her.  A love so true and beautiful that would look beyond her beauty to her real person that she was.  I have always felt like that!  That someone would look beyond my physical self and see the real person that is me!  Know me for who I really am rather than what I display externally.

So there goes.  People put on pretences to face the world.  Pretend to be brave and strong and what not.  What they do not put on public display is the wall or the guard that they have created around themselves to prevent that hurt!  Unfortunately, it is this very pretence or guard that prevents others from seeing who the real person is and that is why people judge from these appearances.  But the fault does not lie here.  The actual problem is with the judgemental attitude of today's world and people have built in their psyche and this is how they psyche themselves.

If someone won't talk to you, "Oh! She has an attitude".  Arrey, I'd say how about she is shy and does not what to say anything for fear of being ridiculed or made a fool off???  Or how about she's being through hell already why put her through more misery!

You see, I took me a long time to realise this and whilst the realisation came, also came a profound peace knowing it. No one and I repeat "NO ONE", will ever know what experiences each individual or human being ever goes through, during his/her encounter with people or events.  Each of us react differently to everything so, again, we shall never be able to put a finger on what a child, man or woman has ever gone through, throughout his/her whole life.

I remember reading this in psychology class, that our learnings as infants to children to teens to the journey as an adult is the plethora of various interactions with our environment and the learning experiences we face during this period become important lessons, which we build in our internal defence systems as a mechanism of response.  Some of the repeated interactions that result in similar outcomes become hard-coded, to put it, as the finality of that experience.  Thus, here we become judges of "what we know" best!  Thus we wear a judgemental attitude at all times and hide ourselves behind that pathetic excuse of .....

So I stopped and did an introspection and came to the conclusion that I would and will never judge anyone ever again.  I try and reach out, maybe someone is hurting too, and all they need is your love and concern.  I have stopped being the "judge" and am rather happy to be the shoulder they want to lean on.  Also, in the bargain of letting go of the judgemental attitude came peace and acceptance.  It changed me thoroughly, opened me to be generous of myself and my time to building relationships.  It made me reach out and hug people virtually and let them know I cared.  Now it does not make a difference what people think of me, obviously, because I now know!

I once asked, of one of my dear friends, why do you think I will not judge you...he said "because I know you won't."  I am not sure if he really understood why I wouldn't judge, but I know why I won't.  Simply because I have no clue as what that person has been through, what has made him/her what he/she is today.  Childhoold, adulthood, abuse, hurt, lack of love, lack of friendship, lack of emotion, true friends etc.....WHY SHOULD I JUDGE...WHO AM I TO JUDGE...

It also reminds of a beautiful message I received while in prayer.  "GOD sees us without our defences and our sins...He sees us for who we truly are without these external pretences and HE LOVES WHAT HE SEES...the real YOU."

With that I would like to sign off and just a reminder to my friends out there...if no one cares...I surely do!

Regards

Veena Warren D'souza