A mind that looses focus!

A mind that looses focus

It happens all the time.  A mind that is so bogged down with monotony and the same things to be done 365 days a year 24X7.  Added to it is when you are taken for granted...your presence..your contribution to peoples life.  Worse is when, you are expected to be more stronger than you actually can be and bear burdens that can actually fracture the delicate balance between sanity and insanity.  People expect so much, the strain that people can actually put is unimaginable.  Each one has his or her own  limits and strengths mental and physical, up to which one can exert.  Beyond that is grappling in the darkness to find reasons for unreasonable demands and a motive of why one must go on.  This is when one wants to give up and question ones existence and the contribution that we are really making and if it is worth anything.  This is when the mind looses focus, as a mechanism to shut down, the volley of emotions of what one has to do and why it must be done.  Mindless questions circling in the head, feelings of abandonment.  A weak mind can weigh down even the strongest resolve. 

This loss of focus, can send you in different directions looking for answers.  Nothing seems to interest and nothing seems to delight.  Loss of this focus is like loosing a part of you...and essential part that keeps you alive.  Your very survival is at stake here.  Not only that, your family and friends begin to notice that it is not the same you anymore.  A friend recently asked me whether I still had that smile on my face for everyone....his words "The smile when directed at anyone could lift the person's mood and make them smile back with the same warmth".  My Answer : No, I don't have it anymore.  My answer : Zindagi mein logo koh kush karene mein ithna juth gaye, ki buhl gaye ki kithni duur aagaye, aur jana kahan tha"  (I got so absorbed with making people happy, that I forgot how far I stretched and what my end goal was to be.)  So I don't see my own reflection in the mirror any more.  Isn't that always the case? To change and struggle continuously to be accepted in family and relationships.  People may laugh and say that shouldn't be the case.  But this is India, still the traditional stronghold of families and relationships.  Where the "bahu" is the beacon of hope, the first one to be idolized or decried.  Added to it Ekta Kapoor has done more harm to the "bahus" of India than the millions of sasu-mas can possibly do.  

So!  I am searching for focus.  What happens to the inner me?  What happens when people have reached their goals in life?  Where will I be?  Where will my dreams and aspirations be?  Some parents put the burden of their dreams and aspirations on the shoulder of their children...but for me that is killing the person inside.  If I feel this way about another separate life and human being...what about the human being crying inside of me?  One of my friends recently told me of her ambitions of how she wanted to realise her goals, luckily she is not married, so I told her to pursue her dreams and "don't let anyone and anything come in the way of your dreams.  No man or woman is worth sacrificing your dreams for."

Again then, how does one focus?  How does one drown out and shut the inner voice?  How does one turn a blind eye to what they believe in for the greater good of people who depend on them?  How does one continue to learn to love life and stay strong?

I am searching for answers, deep within.  Introspection!  I know hundreds of intelligent people around me, who have answers to all this.  But they are not me and not in my head.  They do not have my thoughts and my central nervous systems, that have formed neurological pathways out of the repeated experiences and responses I have learnt to cope.  Mechanisms so deeply wired..it will take another life altering situation to break away and build new learning mechanisms.  Sometimes we hold on so strongly to things that we are so afraid to let go for the fear of anonymity is greater than the monotony of the known.  It is when you reach this exact precipice, that you begin to question your existence to live with what you know to be true or whether you want to explore into the unknown.  The decisions from here can make or break you.

Many have learn't to come out of this situation and many have not made it far.  It's my turn now.  However, I still have that one hope that is a life saviour! My Jesus!  My God!  Who accepts me with His arms open wide.  I am not fibbing..these are his exact words.. Isaiah 30:18

18Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him. 19O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.…

When I read these words, I wake up.  For through Him alone I can find focus in life and values on high...when my heart and HIS melt and weld and I see the reason why I am here.  Many times in our lives we throw our love / our heart at people who don't seem to be concerned about it, who don't even value it.  But when I read the words that the bible's every page throws at me, its clear, we were made for LOVE.  

Love is the prime focus in this world.  For true love drives out fear.  Evil cowers at the sight of true LOVE.  Ever wonder why people who are untrue are afraid of the word "LOVE", because it brings the truth to light! If we loved one another in a true spirit that God so wanted, we would find focus.  I lost this focus temporarily because my focus shifted from outward to inward. However, this does not mean I will compromise anymore..NO!  I will be myself..take it or leave it!  You better learn to deal with it.

WTF ... What the F**

These are were strong words coming from me.  But if the recent experiences are anything to go by.  I seem to be using these words more often.  And I am clueless as to why does the F**king world seem to slot people.  Why do people judge and compartmentalize.  Who do they think they are???  It is obvious my reactions are not common place...they sound angry, resentful and even down right mean.  But believe me, of late, I've met people who've had this effect on me.  I seem to be at my wits end trying to figure out why does everyone behave the way they want to and get away with it and I can at the most offer a lame excuse or deviate from the subject to hide the brutal scars they leave behind.

I was watching a NatGeo cover Photo episode on TV.  I see these beautiful talented photographers given a subject and having to capture the moments based on the theme presented to them.  Obviously, at the back of their mind, what is actually playing is not the theme and the subject, but the competition and their personal stakes and their reputation their self measurement and how they will perform vis-a-vis the others.  You see the whole focus shifted from something they loved to something they were forced to be a part of.  Actually if there were no competition and there was no measurement, these very photographers would have been about doing what their heart felt comfortable with.  Post this subject, they had to stand judgement at the hands to 2 judges. 

"Judges"  how I hate the word.  Judgement means having to measure up to what someone thinks is right or wrong, and how you have been able to connect with that judge on that level.  One of the judges was brutal with their evaluation of the photographs/moments/clicks.  While the other measured his words and was a little softer on the contestants.  I was like wow! Look at these 2 judges.  One has no bones saying what he/she felt like, while the other was considerate that there were dealing with people!  How very often we meet people like that you don't care whom they are dealing with.  

I asked my husband, why do these people take part in such contests??? Only to be slotted and measured by some peoples standards?  What a waste! Why would anyone want that??  What a way to live a live simply fulfilling someone else's expectations of you, rather than living by your own terms and living by something that makes you free!  I would never want that for my children.

Look at the world we live in today!  Filled with competition at every level.  Some people say that competition brings the best out of people....Hogwash!  It makes you an opponent when you could have been a collaborator!  What a waste of time and energy in trying to get ahead of others when you both could have been there together and enjoyed every moment there.  I have lived my whole life, surrounded by people envious of me because I had one talent - Learning!!!  It helped me evolve!  Better myself everyday...I had one focus! I am not competing with others I am competing with myself to better myself and to see how far I can go!  I don't remember ever saying no to help somebody (unless because of shortage of time)  Because helping someone meant I could bring value to that person's whatever he/she wanted to do.  I don't care for the appreciation....nothing but that opportunity to help that person and make them feel that someone cared! Cared enough.  Sometimes when you say no...it could have been that, that the person has tried every other avenue and failed and maybe you could do something different for the person no one could have done! Fate simply doesn't bring 2 people together.  It is meant for a purpose.

Also, one cannot have all the talents in the world, one is constantly learning.  This blog is full of grammatical errors.  And I am not hiding from that fact that I am a bad writer or my english/grammar is horrible.  For the one concentrating on making others feel inadequate about themselves, this would be a key issue.  But for the one who wants to hear someone pour their heart out...this is all they would see and hear.

Sometime back I read about people writing on portals for community help, how their families, friends basically their support group, made them more anguished and depressed, because of their expectations!  They were sinking more and more into depression and did not know whom to turn to!  Imagine the very people you thought you could count on!  I wanted to know what sort of a support group would do that????  What kind of a support are you offering your friend if he/she cannot be their real self with you?  Why can't someone accept you the way you are??  Is it because everyone has this mental compartment in which you are required to fit???

I come back to being "slotted".  I have one thing to offer those who judge!  You are not God and you will never be!  You don't even know the ground rules to operate in this world, cause this world does not work on your say! Neither can you say anything that will change the course of things to come.  No one knows what will happen tomorrow.  You cannot even control the hunger pangs in your stomach...you think you can control people!   I refuse to stand up to people's measurement of me..and I ask everyone out there struggling for acceptance ...not to.  You are your own master! No one can slot you.  Live your life...live your passion.  Take that risk find yourself.  Atleast it was worth it rather than living in the 4 walls of a tic tac box!!

I am for one not telling anyone slot me!  And will never take it without a fight!

#fightback #judgement  #yourterms